Been There, Done That
by FreakingCrazy
Summary: A small group of poems that poke at some clichés. Not meant to be offensive, made in good fun.
1. Poem

**The AU We All Know**

With this AU, comes a well-known spin,

Little Harry will obviously be put in Slytherin,

Now he wasn't raised quite just right,

Something probably changed on that Halloween night,

No matter what it may be,

When Hagrid comes in, he won't believe what he'll see!

Maybe the Dursley's are dead or Harry just ran,

Or perhaps the boy was raised an American!

Yes, someone else will have raised him, whether it be,

Wild venomous snakes or the Addams family,

He's related through some crazy blood ritual,

Which made him their effective equal,

He'll be a strong healthy boy,

Harry'll treat death as a simple fun toy,

Knockturn alley, his favorite place to go,

Those "light" wizards are pompous gits, superstitiously so,

When he enters Hogwarts, he'll cause quite a din,

Now let's go decide who's the favorite Slytherin OC stand in.

There's Theodore Nott,

Who constantly switches from good guy to arrogant snot,

Then there's Daphne Greengrass, sweet as a newborn hare,

Wait, never mind, she's like fresh Devil's Snare,

The only guarantee for Zabini is that his mother's a regular black widow,

Oh dear lord, who's got Draco as Marilyn Monroe?!

Ah, Pansy, who looks like a Pug,

Diehard pureblood or sweetheart swept under the rug?

Goyle and Crabbe, whether good or bad, are a muscle headed duo,

It's always agreed that together they're less than ¼ the brains of their foe,

Mafoy's father is usually abusive, uncouth, and a rather rude tease,

OK, somebody get canon in here, please!

The story either will go on like it normally would,

Or it does a 180, just like it "should",

The Gryffindors will all be arrogant brats,

Except for the Weasley twins, when did they become prats?

Or perhaps Ron is his stupid, dull friend,

At least until he goes off the deep end,

Snape will quite quickly change his tune,

Whether impressed by Harry's knowledge or buried in a cocoon,

All this time, it'll turn out, Tom has been in his head,

Alright, author, who wants him dead?

Why manipulative old Dumbles, of course,

Suddenly the man'll have the tact of a lame horse,

He'll fumble and slip up when giving the invisibility cloak,

Which Harry will use to go out and debate with the centaur folk,

Harry will know all about the manipulation, and will try to avoid the prophecy,

At least, when he's not arguing constantly with Binns over History,

There goes the mudblood, and due to dumb insulting Ron,

She'll either adore Harry or be long, long gone,

Colin Creevey himself will be the first basilisk victim,

And he will surely die, somehow the overgrown snake will have gotten him,

Well, either that or, perhaps, well, you know that thing?

That crazy trend, where he takes Colin, the Gryffindor, under his wing?

The basilisk will just love Harry, and he'll have tea with Diary!Tom,

And Harry'll have a right laugh when he tells his dear dad and mom,

The youngest Weasley will have been such a friend,

Right up until her gory little end,

Either a basilisk snack or a part of his harem,

Little Ginny's spirit will be broken as they tear 'em,

Harry won't let that bother him, and will constantly act like a possessive people hoarder,

Don't you know? The boy'll have a thousand fans/friends/minions, in no particular order,

Yes, it's painful to think and to know,

Exactly where this "fresh" and "original" story's going to go,

Oh! But here's a twist that will make your assuming turn into what-may-have-been fluff,

Little Harry's been sorted into Hufflepuff!


	2. Dumblydore

**Dumblydore**

This is another story, which started out fine,

The scenery, characters, and action varied from nice to divine,

However, it soon took a milk-curdling turn,

It's the kind of twist that either makes a story shine or burn,

Here it is, get ready to send this fic to the floor,

We've got some good old bashing on big bad Dumblydore!

Now, this doesn't have to be an AU,

But it usually is, to make Dumblydore's actions the kind to rue,

Maybe he meant well, and acts like how he did in the book,

Then again, maybe he's mean and nasty and a downright crook,

No matter what, he's always in the wrong,

Only misguided people or stupid fools sing his song,

Maybe he is Voldemort reincarnated,

Even though he's much older and Voldy hasn't yet been decapitated.

Any how he's big, and he's bad, or he's a senile old fool,

Maybe he's given up being a manipulator in favor of being a tool?

Anyhow, he's cheated everyone and always come out on top,

Yet when Harry comes to school, he becomes a big flop!

Surely there's a reason, some charm or curse causing this nasty effect?

Nope, it's just that Harry's gone and ruined something he's set,

Dumblydore will fix it though, an experienced chess master is he…

What do you mean he gave up at step three?!

This author's gone and blown it, torn up a good character,

The excuse they come up with will be a laugh for sure,

Only the foolish, bigoted Weasley's believe in the man,

And that's only because he pays them so they can live in their garbage can,

Affect the head cheese, and you've ruined the lot,

Hermione is now going around acting like the priss she is not,

Now Dumbles knew about Sirius too, but let the guy rot in favor of the "greater good",

Why, he even knew about the Dursley's beatings(!) on Harry and let them go on just because he could,

Why, oh why, have you even read this far in?

Good lord, good plot and characters have been ruined in the bashing din!

How in the world can this be fixed, this medieval mess?

The only way to make it worse would be to toss Umbridge into the fray of all this stress!

…

Oh…

Oh _no_.

They didn't…

They couldn't…

They did.

Well, sure enough, it's the last nail in the coffin when Umbridge doesn't even try to keep her torture hid.

Dumblydore's going to get it now,

WAIT… Did he just toss out that rotten pink cow?

Was that a good action, from Dumbles, in this bashing fic?

By now, it can't be anything but a trick!

Yet… It isn't, it's a smart choice, it's reasonable, thought-out and precise!

Why, he's in character, isn't this nice?

Can this fic be saved, if it stays on this track?

Yes it can, so long as it doesn't get set back,

However, before you can get up and cheer,

The nasty bashing comes back, someone please get it away from here,

The cunning, professional, and all-around courageous Cornelius Fudge(!),

Comes and tears weak, powerless Dumbledore down into sludge,

That pink toad was a very nice lady, someway and somehow,

Even if she was cruel and mean and tried to make kids into bloody chow,

Ah, here we are, the fic has returned to its regular path,

The only ones who see a problem with this are Dumble's fans, who are just oozing with wrath,

This is an AU, but whether it be set on earth or in space,

Dumbledore smashing will get in your face,

You may not agree with his canon actions and like some bashing here and there,

But such an ill-thought-out surplus makes even a single chapter just too much to bear,

So, just like the author, though your reasons probably differ,

You cheer with delight when he dies from a light blow to the sniffer.


	3. Animagimultiple

**Animagimultiple**

We're back to this,

It's something I surely didn't miss,

The rarity of the Animagus,

Means absolutely bupkiss,

When in the realm of stories and fanfiction,

The rules bend to the writer's diction,

So what if they still claim it's canon,

Even if they fill it with way too much fanon,

Surely it'd be better as an AU,

Or at least that's what I would do,

To claim that the Animagi are still a rarity,

While 50 million of them prance about spontaneously,

Is lying straight to our shocked and disbelieving faces,

You claim that this just means that your OC's are strong and have high places,

Oh please, just come out and say it,

These are ostentatious and flat characters whose care for others doesn't amount to half of a bit,

Why do this?

The thought of it makes me cringe and hiss.

You surely don't mean it!

These characters have the potential to not be as boring as an oven mitt,

Who benefits from it?

Your writing cred just takes a nasty hit,

Please, please,

To see such charm and wit wasted is a rotten tease,

Don't you see how you're pouring salt into the cut?

Claiming that it's still so hard and impossible to do, you ridiculous nut,

Fine, so be it, your story, not mine,

But it still bothers me that you douse it in turpentine,

Stories where Animagi run rampant,

Are ignoring one very important component,

It's almost impossible to do,

Much less by children no older than two,

We've heard, we've seen, been there before,

Yes, yes, yes, so easy for a little Gryffindor,

Harry can do it since the age of one,

Well, not really, but the actual truth ruins the fun,

Ladies and Gentlemen, let's all take a seat,

It's time to play a game that's kina neat,

It's called "Let's see where this cliché storyline goes!",

Don't worry about not finding a spot; there are hundreds of rows,

Option one is that it'll start with young Harry,

Who's been an Animagus since birth, a gift given by a fairy,

Either he activated it when Voldemort came calling,

Or when the Dursleys started stalling,

The idea is, anyway,

He's out in the wild and loves to play,

Actually, he may have just found Hogwarts in his animal form,

He came by it sometime, probably during a storm,

The children all love him, as do all the teachers except for one bore,

And Harry has somehow fooled all-knowing Dumbledore,

So if it's Harry, then, in truth,

The hardest part is not who likes him or when he changed, or even where he is, be it castle or booth,

It's what animal he is, strangely enough,

Dog, Cat, Snake, Phoenix, Hippogriff, Giant Squid… Okay, on this one I'm calling bluff.

Not about Harry, here's option two,

Oh wait, never mind, he's here with… who?

The first challenge of this little prompt, what year he decides to change and with whom,

Remember, one wrong step and the reviewers will spell the poor writer's doom,

Once they've muddled through multiple names and years,

Some of which included Luna, Neville, Ginny, and the worst of our fears,

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Weasley Twins are always a possibility,

I just have to warn you so there are no liabilities,

Anywho, step two to this scenario,

And there are so many, many ways this could go,

It's also time to decide what animals match up with who,

And this dilemma, we now know, is nothing new,

The training and planning with take place in, of course,

One certain abandoned bathroom, of which all crazy illegal potions and experiments is the source,

The teachers, even those that have done this stuff themselves and are a sharp as tacks,

Are of course oblivious when the students steal ingredients right off of the racks,

Anyway, this will probably end a familiar way,

Find Pettigrew, save the world, happy ending, hooray.

The third option, and this really burns me up and also makes me want to cry,

Is when we are introduced to new characters that are, of course, Animagi.

Not just one extraordinary student, which is bad enough on its own,

But multiple ones, all fighting for the thrown.

There's no real plot, nothing substantial,

The characters are so weak that their easier to burn than a candle,

They have no personality, and the one that does is regarded as a bore,

What comes next is- Oh, I can't take it anymore!  
Ladies and Gentlemen, please forgive the interruption,

But some people need to hear this easy solution,

Yes, writer, you know who you are,

I address you directly, you cannot hide from it like you have been so far,

Your characters are special, I understand and sympathize,

But surely you see the answer in front of your eyes?

The key is not to make them so different or crazily special,

But to make them human and relatable,

Ah, but you say you just want an Animagi character,

Fear not, the solution is here and will hopefully make things better,

It was one of my original suggestions, AU for the win,

Make it so that being an Animagus is the average and normal, paw or fin,

Don't try to make yours better still, no extraordinary magic or unheard of skill,

You see what I'm saying, have you had your fill?

If so, great,

If not, I apologize for keeping you and/or making you late,

I just realized, wow, hold on a minute,

I really want to write an AU like that, fanfiction's great isn't it?

Thank you for coming, please take my words to heart,

Now I just need to work on another fanfiction, but the question's where to start…


	4. VoldyTwoShoes

**VoldyTwoShoes**

He's always there, he's evil, and he's downright cruel,

Of course not, here he's a bungling fool,

Maybe he's Affably Evil,

Or perhaps as smart as a weevil,

The point is, if you can even call it that,

Voldy is Moldy even before his final spat,

He really just loves dear little Harry,

Even if he's supposed to be rotten and scary,

Voldy just won't be able to pull off nasty or mean,

Even if for the last decades he's been anything but clean,

AU maybe?

What else can it possibly be?

Nothing, and I mean nothing, else could make Voldy so nice,

Has his lack of hair led to his brain being eaten by lice?

If it's truly an AU, then the writer has no limitations,

They can concoct some of the craziest stuff from our imaginations,

Even if it's not, and then they have no excuse,

Any canon takes a back seat and becomes a caboose,

In the writer's list of priorities,

Which really exist to only taunt and tease,

Us poor readers, who are confused out of our minds,

To our sanity these types of stories are thrown at like old rotten rinds,

Voldy, dear sweet old man,

Has probably retained his hair for whatever reason and has also gained a tan,

An ostentatious and unrealistic new character will most likely take to his side,

If their female, we're in for a boring and predictable ride,

Because, oh brother, can't you see,

He's just a, and I gag at the description, poor suffering soul who can be cured with love and a cup of tea,

Oh, Dumbledore never understood him,

Even if, you know, Voldy's killed swarms of people just on a whim,

Why he even considers Harry his surrogate son,

Despite the fact that he's been trying to kill him since book one,

Voldy's a charmer, who, for whatever reason, either excels or stinks at deception,

If you're a diehard fan of canon, don't read, you'll have a conniption!

Or perhaps instead you'll die laughing, which is still no way to go,

You may find it hard not to laugh if Voldy dramatically whips his hair to and fro,

And if he tries to huff, sulk, and pout,

Well, it's rather funny to imagine You-Know-Who going that route,

Of course, maybe it's just sad,

To see such an interesting and vile character written so bad,

If it's not So Bad It's Good,

Then it's boring and as interesting as a stick of wood,

Of course, there are always extremes, and the story could revolve at the other end of the spectrum,

Where Voldy's so stupid and incompetent that you're soon reaching for the vodka and rum,

Harry may be just as stupid, in which case it's an overdone comedy,

Then again, he could be very smart, which means it's stupidly funny,

Did Harry just wake up one day, and think to himself,

"Voldemort's so stupid, I will kill him myself!"?

Because if that's the answer, then really, and this is glaring,

Why has he waited so long, has he been that uncaring?

Of course, this could be ties in with another cliché,

Maybe it's a Dumbledore Bashfic, and the old man'll just constantly get in the way,

Of an awesome battle of epic proportions,

At least that's what it will be made out to be through the writer's weird distortions,

Forget everything you know about canon,

This epically stupid fight doesn't even run on poorly thought out fanon,

It's based on crazy dreams had while violently ill,

Basically it's as appealing as old pig swill,

Ron will most likely die, though whether or heroic sacrifice or his newfound stupidity is always debated,

After him goes the character the author believes, and agrees, to be most hated,

Uh oh, red alert, obvious plot twist spotted,

That silly old canon will now get snarled and knotted,

For, and get this, Harry is really Lord Voldemort's son!

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

...

…

No, really.

How does that even work, if I am to take this all seriously?

Either we don't get an answer, or when we actually do,

It's so ridiculously insane and just a disgusting brew,

Filled with nonsense and blib-blab that doesn't mean anything,

Ooh, look, it's a shiny plot device that's obviously supposed to distract us from the stupidity of everything,

Now, here's where things start to get really tricky,

As if this story wasn't already sticky,

You see this could go any number of ways,

Each rather bland and usually cliché,

Harry may have something I call "Luke Skydrama" syndrome,

Loosely, that means he'll snap and kill his newly revealed father as he will whine and moan,

Probably get a cool scar or injury out of the deal,

Though realize this is quite unlikely if the author has made Voldy the type that will appeal,

To all his little fangirls and fanboys,

Some of which will make cameos as his little toys,

So, more likely, if we have learned anything at all,

Harry must quickly accept his new father or else it will be his painful downfall,

No worry though, please don't fret,

It is almost certain that Harry will run into Voldy's open arms and play the part of a mere pet!

He will eagerly renounce Dumbledore's teachings and forget any friends,

There is just so much insanity that by this point it seems like it never ends,

Say goodbye to the muggles and any half-breeds,

Unless Voldy's a shrimp and actually *gag* nice, in which they will be treated for all their needs,

There are just so many clichés in this story,

Whether it supposedly be cute or gory,

You know this, you've read it, seen it a million times,

If they made sounds they'd give off that of broken old wind chimes.


End file.
